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Coats and Petticoats 


A Comedy in One Act 


Ey 

RACHEL BAKER GALE 

Author of u Mr. Bohf u The New Crusade f 
u No Men Wanted u The Chaperon 
U A King's Daughteretc. 




^ * 

c o i 


BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 

1910 

# 





Coats and Petticoats 


Lawrence Denbigh. 
Madge, his wife. 


CHARACTERS 



Josephine, his sister . 

Miss Prudence Pringle, his aunt. 

Miss PfUSCXi i a Pringle, his aunt. 

Pauline Pemberton. 

Rebecca Randolf. 

Nora. 

Eight Girls for o’d maids' song and dance. 
Eight Girls for suf . N . tie song and march. 

Scene. —Living room at the Denbighs’. , 


In the original production of this play all the parts were 
played by women, as is perfectly possible in all cases, the 
author having had this particularly in mind in writing Law¬ 
rence’s scenes. 



COFYRIGHT, I9IO, BY WALTER H. BAKER & Co. 


C'CtO 225C' 9 




Coats and Petticoats 


SCENE.— An interior. Madge is discovered, seated by table 
down r. There is a hat-box containing artificial flowers 
on table, also a box of reef powder and rabbit's foot, a pho¬ 
tograph in frame and a hand-mirror. Hat-box on floor 
with more flowers; some on floor. Josephine is seated by 
table down l. , back to audience, putting on moustache and 
looking into hand-mirror. Costumes on table. Chair at 
right of table. Mantel up r., with mirror. Transparency 
in corner up r. 

Madge (holding up hat which she is trimming and looking 
at it critically). How are you getting on, Joe? 

Joe. This moustache bothers. ( Rises and crosses to 
Madge.) I can’t make it look natural. 

Madge. Is that a moustache? It looks as though an eye¬ 
brow had dropped down. {Laughs.) You have it on upside 
down, Joe. 

Joe. I thought there was something wrong. It tickles my 
nose dreadfully. 

Madge (pulling it off). If you wear it like that you will • 
tickle the audience. (Puts it on right.) 

Joe. It’s absurd for me to take a man’s part, anyway. I 
know I shall be a failure. (Madge laughs at her.) Oh ! don’t 
laugh at a girl when she’s down. 

Madge. It’s the down on your lip I'm laughing at. ( Tries 
on hat.) How do you think this will go for the first act? 

Joe. “Go/" It will be fetching. It’s lucky we are to 
have a dress-rehearsal this afternoon, or I’m afraid Polly Pem¬ 
berton’s name would be mud. 

(She is back at table adjusting wig and moustache.) 

Madge. Her first play. I do hope it will be a success. 
Put on the rest of your costume and let me see it. 

Joe. What do you think would happen to me if Aunt Prue 

3 



4 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


and Aunt Pris knew I were to appear on the stage dressed as a 
man ? 

Madge. Your Puritan aunts ! Too awful to contemplate; 
but don’t worry about that, my dear. You are miles away 
from them visiting Larry and me. Come, go and make a man 
of yourself. 

Joe. How does a man walk? 

Madge. Oh! like this. (Walks back and forth as much 
like a man as possible .) Does that look like a man ? 

Joe. More like a duck. Til show you. (Takes ca?iefrom 
table and walks with strides , swinging it; crosses to Madge 
and leans 071 her chair with feet crossed?) Pm sorry for the 
other sex, but for your sake, dear old girl (slapping her on 
back), I’ll be a hero. 

(Goes toward door l. Polly Pemberton runs on, wear¬ 
ing a cape covering a Folly costume. Joe returns.) 

Polly. I will never write another play as long as I live. 

(Sinks into chair at right of table L.) 

Madge. What’s the matter now, Polly? 

Polly. Margaret Leslie’s husband objects to her make-up. 
(Joe sits 071 table l., swinging her feet.) He wants her to 
look twenty, and the part calls for forty. 

Joe. Keep Jack away until the performance, and then it 
will be too late. 

Madge. W'ell—make Margaret twenty. 

Polly. When she has a daughter eighteen ! 

Joe. Cut out the daughter. 

Polly. Can’t. You make love to her. 

Joe (eagerly). Cut me out. 

Polly. Don’t be silly, Joe. Then there’s the old maids’ 
drill. Half of the girls are losing their courage. Say that if 
they are a success as old maids they are afraid they will never 
be anything else. 

Madge. What nonsense ! 

Polly. Harry Withers insists upon using his own lines. 

Thinks thev are better than mine. 

* 

Joe (laughing). I didn’t know he had so much sense. 

Polly (ignoring her, turns her back). This is my last 
attempt to be famous. It is too hard work. 

Joe. Cheer up, Polly. Suppose you had my part. 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


5 


Madge. Josephine Denbigh ! Will you put on your cos¬ 
tume? 

Polly. Do ! I am just dying to see it. How do you like 
mine ? (Rises and throws off cap eh) 

Joe. Splendid ! 

Madge. You are sure of your dance? 

Polly. Every step. 

(Gives a fancy dance to the accompaniment of any appro¬ 
priate music ; girts seated watching her. When finished, 
Polly sinks into chair at left of table r. Madge is 
seated the other side of it.) 

Enter Nora. She has letter on tray, and wears helmet and 
carries spear ; very military in walk. 

Madge. Where did you get those things, Nora ? 

Nora. From the costumer’s, for the play, ma’am. (Crosses 
to Madge, who takes letter.) The postman brought it, ma’am. 
I hope it isn’t another costume. 

Madge. It is for Miss Josephine. 

(Nora crosses to l. and gives letter to Joe. She takes it, 
and while opening it, Nora looks at her very mtently.) 

Nora. Excuse me, miss, but there’s something on your lip. 

(Pulls off moustache.) 

Joe (screaming). Oh ! That’s my moustache ! 

Nora. I beg your pardon, miss. 

(Hands it to her on tray a7tdgoes up stage.) 

Joe. We want tea, Nora. 

Nora. Tay, is it ? Shure yees be wanting a shave. 

• [ Exit. 

(Madge and Polly have been talking together and arrang¬ 
ing flowers.) 

Joe (who has been reading her letter). Girls ! 

Polly. What is it ? A five-hundred-dollar donation ? 
Madge. Flowers for the whole cast ? 

Joe (rising and crossing to c.). No joking matter, I can 
tell you. Aunt Prudence and Aunt Priscilla arrive this after¬ 
noon. 


6 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


Madge. What ! 

Joe. They miss me so much I must return with them. 

(Madge has rise?i and taken letter from Joe.) 

Polly. But you can’t. The play ! 

Joe (very much excited ). Who cares about your old play? 
What I am worrying about is, that they will find me dressed as 
a man. What shall I do ? 

Polly. Wire them not to come. 

Joe. Too late. They are on the way. Madge, why don’t 
you suggest something ? 

Madge. I am thinking just as fast as I can. 

Joe (to Polly). You are in this. Think! Everybody 
think. 

(All three walk up stage and back , Joe holding o?i to her 
head i?i c.) 

Madge (on Joe’s left). I have it! Larry has gone to 
New York. Aunties have not seen him for years. You can 
be Larry. 

Joe (all down stage c.). What! I—Larry !—Think again. 

(Repeat business.) 

Polly (all down stage again). Splendid practice for you. 

Madge. With that wig and moustache they will never 
know you. 

Joe. But - 

Madge. No time for buts; we must act quickly. 

Polly (slapping her o?r back). Brace up and be a man. 

Madge. It will be such a good joke on Larry. 

Joe. Joke ! How about me? 

(They push her off L.) 

Madge. Help me with these boxes, Polly. Aunties may 
arrive any minute. 

(Both busy picking up floiuers and feathers.) 

Nora (entering with tea-wagon and wheeluig it down R.). 
The costumes are a-beginning to arrive, ma’am. Where be 
they a-goin’ ? In the guest-room ? 

Madge. Mercy, no ! In Mr. Denbigh’s smoking-room. 



COATS AND PETTICOATS 


7 


Nora. Yis, ma’am. 

(Sta?ids watching Polly, who is arranging hair and gown 
before mirror.') 

Madge (serving tea). Cream and sugar, Polly ? 

Polly. Yes. 

Nora (taking cup of tea from Madge). Tay, Miss Polly. 

(Polly turns and takes it, sitting down at left of table r. 
Nora exits imitating Polly’s arrangement of hair and 
gown.) 

Joe (entering dressed in man's costume, but wearing high- 
heeled shoes. Crosses to tea-table and stands behind Madge 
and assumes heavy voice). Two lumps. 

(Madge startled.) 

Polly. I should never know you, Joe. 

Joe. How about aunties ? 

Madge. They will never dream that it is you. 

Joe. How about the real me ? 

(Takes a cup of tea, crosses to r. and sits at right of table.) 

Madge. Never thought of that. 

Polly. You must disappear. 

Joe. Oh, I will disappear all right. Trust me for that. I 
can’t drink tea with this moustache on. (Takes it off and 
puts it on table. Indicates tea-wagon.) Isn’t that something 
new ? 

Madge. Yes; a tea-wagon. 

Joe. Oh, I see ! Serving tea “a la carte ” ! 

Polly (groaning). Spare us, Joe. 

Nora (entering c.). You’re wanting at the tiliphone, Miss 
Polly. 

Polly. More trouble. 

(Dances off c. Nora watches her.) 

Madge. See that the guest-room is in order, Nora. Mr. 
Denbigh’s aunts are arriving this afternoon. 

Nora. Shall yees moind if I lave the ould maids’ wigs on 
the bed, ma’am? It is just full of them. 

Madge. Don’t you leave one there. 

Nora. No, ma’am. [Exit c., imitating Polly’s dancing. 


8 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


Joe {crossing to l.). What will you do with aunties during 
the rehearsal ? 

Madge. Some one must take them automobiling. 

Joe. Perhaps they won’t want to go. 

Madge. They must. 

Polly {running on and throwing play book on floor). Might 
just as well give up the play. 

Joe. What’s the trouble now ? 

Polly. Dick Raleigh has just come from town, and has 
forgotten the moon for the last act. 

Joe. Have an eclipse. I shall look better that way. 

[Exit, L. 

Nora {entering). Are yees through with the tay-wagon, 
ma’am ? 

Madge. Yes, Nora. (Nora wheels it off c., singing ,— 
“I'm on the water-wagon now." Cheers heard outside. 
Madge runs to window.) It is Becky Randolf in her suffragette 
costume. The crowd is cheering her. 

Joe {running on frojn l.). Girls ! Where did I leave that 
moustache ? 

Polly {picking it up from table and giving it to her). You 
need a gold chain for that. 

Joe {putting it o?i). It is like a will-o’-the-wisp. One 
moment it is with me, and then it is gone. 

Madge. Be sure it is with you when aunties arrive. 

Joe. Aunties ! [Exit, L. 

{Enter Nora, c., with tea-wagon piled high with wigs ; is 
crossing to L.) 

Madge. What have you there, Nora? 

Nora. The wigs, ma’am. 

Madge. On my tea-wagon ! 

Nora. They be so slippery, ma’am, I was afraid I might 
be afther a-droppin’ one. {Starts for door.) 

Madge {picking up boxes). Take these, Nora. (Polly 
also brings some, and they put them on wagoji ; they keep fall¬ 
ing off as Nora puts them on.) Nora, Miss Josephine’s aunts 
are arriving unexpectedly this afternoon. They would be very 
much shocked if they knew she were to appear in our play 
dressed as a man. Miss Josephine will pretend to be Mr. 
Denbigh. 

Nora {holding up both hands). The saints presarve us] 

Polly. It is only for fun. 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 9 

Nora. And do yees think yees can make a man of Miss 
Josephine ? 

Madge. She has a splendid wig and moustache. 

Nora {scornfully). And do yees call that a man ! Oh ! 
It’s only throuble yees be aflher a-makin’ for yourselves. Whin- 
ivir we have a mix-up loike that in the ould counthry it’s “ Wigs 
on the Grane ” we be afther a-callin’ it. Oh, Musha ! Musha ! 

[Exit, shaking head. 

Madge (to Polly ; they stand looking at one another ). Not 
very encouraging. 

Polly. Not so very. 

(Cheers outside ; both run to window up stage R.) 

Rebecca Randolf (outside). Ladies and women ! (Cheers.) 
The future presidents of the United States ! (Cheers.) Now 
is the time to strike for freedom ! (Cheers.) Down with the 
men! ( Hisses and groans ; vegetables are thrown through 
the window ; Reb. runs on c., with hat crushed down on head 
and coat collar turned up. She wears navy blue bloo)ners, 
'white tailored shirt-waist , stiff collar andyellow tie, soft hat 
with brim, black stockings and high-heeled shoes.) Am I all 
here? Madge, there is something down my neck. 

Madge (removing lemon). Some one handed you a lemon. 

Nora (coming down with cabbage). Here’s something you 
forgot, ma’am. [Exit. 

Reb. (giving it to Polly). That was intended for the au¬ 
thor. Does this costume suit you, Polly? 

Polly. Couldn’t be better. 

Reb. Dad said that if I appeared behind the footlights in 
bloomers he would never forgive me. 

Polly. But you shouldn’t wear high-heeled shoes. 

Reb. Well, I just couldn’t make a guy of my feet. Oh! 
you should have seen the crowd following my carriage. The 
enthusiasm stirred me from my shoes up. They called for a 
speech and I gave them mine on your front door-step, Madge. 
(Strikes attitude.) Ladies—women—future presidents of the 
United States ! Now is the appointed time. It is the hour to 
strike for freedom ! to be man’s equal ! aye, his superior. At 
the ballot—at the polls—North or South—it does not matter 
which—at home—abroad—and from the Alleghanies on the 
East—to the Rockies on the West—we will plant our flag— 
emblem of the achievement of women !—Oh ! it was grand, 


10 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 



Madge. Good ! You ought to bring down the house with 
that. 

Reb. Hope it won’t bring any more lemons. 

Joe (enteringfrom l.). I am ready for the sacrifice. 

Reb. That’s a great costume, Joe. How do you like mine ? 

• (Twirls around.) 

Joe. Wonderful bloomers. 

Reb. The latest suffragette cut. 

Madge. Joe, you must wear men’s shoes. 

Joe. Can’t! They are toQ clumsy. 

Polly. You must. I’ll get them. 

(Runs off l. Joe sinks into chair and Madge and Reb. 
remove shoes.) 

Madge. Those shoes would give the whole thing away. 

(Polly runs on with tan shoes ; they should he much too 
large.) 

Polly. I could only find these. 

(.Business of putting them on.) 

Madge (after one has been put on). There ! that is better. 
Joe (trying it). I feel like a pint in a quart. 

(Crosses to table r., and crowds tissue paper into toe , Reb. 
helping her.) 

Nora (entering c.). Two ladies have arrived, ma’am. 
Madge. Did they give you their names? 

Nora. They said they were Miss Prudence and Priscilla. 
Joe. Aunties ! Then please excuse me ! 

(Exit, hopping on ojie foot; has shoe in hand. 
Madge. Quick, Nora, the costumes ! 

(Helps her gather up costumes and they both run off l., 
Nora having put crown 071 her head; during this conver¬ 
sation Reb. is standing before mirror up r., arranging 
her hat , and has not heard. Turns a?idfinds the room 
vacant.) 

Reb. Well! I call that sudden. It will be a grand time 
to practice my speech. (Takes play book from pocket and 


i 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


II 


mounts chair at left of table r.) Ladies and women ! It is 
your duty to demand the right to vote !—to rebel against the 

selfishness of man- (Miss Prudence Pringle and Miss 

Priscilla Pringle appear at door c. They wear old-fash¬ 
ioned silk gowns , small shawls , hair dressed in gray side 
curls , and wear bonnets and mitts.') Put aside your frills—take 
off your pompadours and lay aside your petticoats. ( Old ladies 
come down stage.) I repeat—lay aside your petticoats. 

Miss Pru. 


Miss Pris. 


| (together, holding up hands in horror). What! 


(Reb. is studying her part and does not see them.) 


Miss Pru. Priscilla ! This is no place for us. 

Reb. (continuing). Now is the appointed time. It is your 

duty to demand the right to vote- (Old ladies , interested , 

draw 7iearer to Reb. and listen.) Let the men be not only the 

bread-winners but the bread makers- Once more I say— 

strike for freedom. 

Miss Pru. Priscilla, we are in the wrong house. 

Miss Pris. It may be an asylum. 

Reb. Once more, I say, strike for freedom ! (Turns and 
sees the old ladies , who are looking at her bloomers.) Why, 
hallo, girls ! (Jumps frotn chair.) You came in costume, 
too. Oh ! you are in the old maids’ drill. 

Old Ladies. Old maids’ drill! 

Reb. Splendid make-up. Those side curls do not look a 
bit false. (Pulls one of Miss Pru.’s curls.) 

Old Ladies. False ! 

Reb. (taking box of redpowder and rabbit'sfoot from table). 
But you need a little more color. (Touches up Miss Pru.’s 
cheeks; she is very much astonished. To Miss Pris.) You 
are just right. Do you know, I believe we shall all wear 
bloomers yet. 

Miss Pru. Bloomers ! 

Miss Pris. Never ! 

Reb. (to Madge, who enters from l., and is horrified to 
see Reb. with the old ladies). Haven’t these girls a fine make¬ 
up, Madge? (Crosses to Madge.) 

Madge. Girls ! They are Josephine’s aunts ! 

Reb. Aunts! (Madge nods assent.) Not in the play? 
The real thing ? Then please excuse me. 





12 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


{Exit c., laughing. The old ladies watch her off and look 
very indignant.') 


Madge ( embracing the old ladies). Dear Aunt Pris—dear 
Aunt Prue. I am so glad to see you. 

Miss Pru. Who was that person ? 

Madge. Oh ! Miss Randolf. One of my neighbors. 

Miss Pru. A neighbor ! A most improper person. 

Most improper. 

She wore bloomers. 

Yes, bloomers, and told us to remove our pet- 


Miss Pris. 
Miss Pru. 
Miss Pris. 


ticoats. 

Madge. Oh ! Oh !—oh !—that—that—is the latest cos¬ 
tume to wear while taking the fresh air cure. She walks sev¬ 
eral miles a day, and the bloomers make it so much easier. 


(Goes up stage and rings bell for Nora. Polly appears 
from l., waltzes up to door c., and disappears, Madge 
pushing her off.) 

Old Ladies. What was that ? 

Madge. Oh !—Oh !—another neighbor. She is taking 
aesthetic dancing to preserve her youthful figure. 

Miss Pris. Is she taking the fresh air cure too? 

Miss Pru. She’s likely to get enough fresh air in that 
costume. Where is Josephine ? 

Madge. So sorry, but she has gone for a long automobile 
ride. Won’t return until late this evening. 

Miss Pris. We are very lonely without her. She must re¬ 
turn with us. 

Madge. Oh, don’t take her away from us yet. She only 
came a week ago. 

Miss Pru. I am so tired traveling. I will sit down. 
(Attempts to sit but Madge prevents her ; same business with 
Miss Pris.) Oh, you mustn’t sit down. (To Miss Pris.) 
I don’t want you to sit down. (Enter Nora.) Nora, show 
the ladies to their room. 

Nora. Yis, ma’am. 

Madge. If you will follow Nora she will show you to your 
room. You must be very tired. (Eagerly.) Don’t hurry. 
Take a nice long nap. 

Miss Pru. We never take naps. 

Miss Pris. Never. \_Exeunt, followed by Nora, off r. 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


J 3 

Madge ( sinking into chair by table l.). What shall I do 
with them? It will be Nora’s “ Wigs on the Green,” all right. 

Reb. ( entering c.). There is one transparency missing, 
Madge. Have you seen it ? 

Madge. Yes, in the corner. (Reb. takes transparency 
from corner up r., and conies down with it. It should have 
“ Votes for Women," or “ Down with the Men," printed on 
it in large letter si) Well ! you made a nice mess of it. 

Reb. Why didn’t you tell me you were expecting old 
ladies? I really thought they were here for the rehearsal. 
{Laughs.) It was such a good joke. 

Madge. Joke ! I am so provoked with you, Becky Ran- 
dolf, I feel like turning you and your suffragettes out of the 
house. 

Reb. What! And lose the one opportunity of my life to 
make a speech in bloomers ! Never ! 

{Exits c., exclaiming: “ Ladies !—Women !" etc. Madge 
throws book at her. Scream from old ladies outside. 
They enter, Miss Pru. holding up red wig.) 

Miss Pru. We have had such a fright. We saw this on 
the floor and thought that there was a man under our bed. 

Madge. Oh—oh ! {Confused.) That is Larry’s hair. 

Miss Pru. Larry’s hair ! 

Madge. Yes—haven’t you heard? He was scalped. 

Old Ladies. Scalped ! 

Madge. Yes. By—by—the Esquimaux. 

Miss Pris. Was he with Mr. Peary? 

Madge. No,— Dr. Cook. 

{Throzus wig off stage l. zvith a great deal of temper.) 

Miss Pru. Well, he ought to be scalped. 

Miss Pris. {seated at left of table, dozvn r. ; takes up photo¬ 
graph). A picture of Larry. 

(Miss Pru. is seated at table l.) 

Madge. Oh, no ! That is Larry’s brother. 

Miss Pru. Brother ! He never had one. 

Madge. I mean my brother. Let me see ! You have not 
seen Larry for several years. You will find him very much 
changed. 

Miss Pru. I suppose the Esquimaux changed him. 


14 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


Madge. He has worked too hard at the office. The doctor 
prescribed the fresh air cure. 

Miss Phis. How many more of this family are taking the 
fresh air cure ? 

Madge. He spends as much time as possible in his auto¬ 
mobile. 

Nora (entering). Miss Biddle be wantin’ yees at the 
tiliphone, ma’am. Wants to know if her rose-spangled costume 
have come. 

Madge (shaking her head ). No. No. 

Nora. What, ma’am ? 

Madge (with emphasis). I said no. 

Nora. Very well, ma’am. (Goes up stage and then re¬ 
turns.) Oh, I forgot, ma’am. Mrs. Brown is at the door 
and wants to know if her red wig be here. 

Madge. Yes. Leave the room. (Nora appears very 
much hurt; as she turns away.) Nora. 

Nora (coming down). Yis, ma’am. 

Madge. Tell Miss Becky to blow the automobile horn. 

Nora. Very will, ma’am. If yees don’t moind my sayin’ 
it, ma’am (indicatingold ladies), it’s a bad thing to be decayin’. 

(Tosses her head and exits.) 

Miss Pru. If Larry is not well we must give him some of 
our remedies. 

Madge. Oh, do ! He would just love any little attention. 

Reb. (entering, blowing automobile horn). What’s the horn 
for, Madge ? 

Madge. To be blown outside, you ninny. 

(Pantomime between them.) 

Reb. Oh, I see. (Runs off c.) 

Miss Pru. That person with bloomers again ! 

(Horn outside.) 

Madge (greatly relieved). That must be Larry. I will 
tell him that you are here. (Runs off c.) 

Miss Pru. I hope Larry will be glad to see us. 

Miss Pris. (sighing). I hope so. 

Miss Pru. You have the cigars, sister? 

Miss Pris. Yes, and they ought to be good. They were 
six for five. And the new pipe ? 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


15 


Miss Pru. {severely). Do I ever forget? 

Miss Pris. {sighing). Never. 

Joe {outside, assumes as heavy a voice as possible). Aunt 
Prudence and Aunt Priscilla ! ( Old ladies look expectant and 

very much excited.) Where are they? {Rushes on.) My 
dear aunts! {Embraces both , the three girls at door c. 

watching and laughing. Joe stands in c. with arm around 

each , looking at them admiringly.) Well! well!—you haven’t 
changed a bit. Just as handsome as ever. 

{Both very much pleased.) 

Miss Pru. {looking at hbn intently ; Miss Pris. slyly looks 
at his hair). Madge says that you are not well. 

Joe. Not well! Nonsense! Same old boy, aunties. 
Same old boy. 

{Girls convulsed.) 

Miss Pris. You certainly act well. 

Joe. Never better in my life. 

Miss Pru. We are sorry that Josephine is not here to 
receive us. 

Joe. Oh, she has gone sailing. 

Old Ladies. Sailing ! 

Joe {embarrassed). Hasn’t she? 

Miss Pru. Madge said that she had gone automobiling. 

Joe. Oh, yes, I remember, sailing and automobiling. 
{Places chairs for them and brings down one for herself and 
sits between them.) Let us all sit down and have a nice chat. 

{All seated.) 

Miss Pru. {co?ifide?itially). Has Josephine an admirer? 

Miss Pris. Some one really in love with her? 

Joe. Well—really—oh, yes—so many you can’t count 
them on your fingers. Tom Smith takes her automobil¬ 
ing— 

Miss Pris. {very much pleased). Yes, yes. 

Joe. Billy Patterson for sailing, and Teddy Franklin in his 
air-ship—and- 

Miss Pru. More air. 

Miss Pris. Which one is she really in love with ? 

Joe. W T ell—well, auntie, she hasn’t told me. 

Miss Pru. Larry, this is a secret between us three. If 




i6 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


Josephine decides to marry a man whom we like all our money 
goes to her. 

Joe. You don’t mean it! Well, I can tell you one thing. 
I shall do my best to have her pick out the right man. 

(Joe forgets and speaks in natural voiced) 

Miss Pru. Sister, don’t you think that Larry’s and Jo¬ 
sephine’s voices are very much alike? 

Joe (very much alarmed'). Really! (Assumes heavy 
voice.) As she is my sister there is nothing very surprising 
about that. 

Miss Pru. You are as handsome as ever, Larry. 

Joe. Oli, thank you, Aunt Prue. 

Miss Pris. Your moustache is beautiful. 

(Raises hand to touch it.) 

Joe. Don’t touch it! It might come off. 

Old Ladies. Come off! 

Joe (laughing). Oh, that’s only my little joke. 

(They all sit laughing together.) 

Nora ( entering with two boxes of flowers). Miss Jo¬ 
sephine. (Joe looks at her.) I mane Mr. Denbigh. 

Joe (rising and taking the boxes). Flowers, Nora? 

Nora. For Miss Polly. \_Exit. 

Polly (aside to Joe ; runs down to her). For me? 

Joe. No, for me. (To old ladies.) Some little bird must 
have whispered to me that you were coming to-day, aunties. 

(Gives each a box; Polly, very much disappointed , runs off c.) 

Miss Pru. (opening box). How kind of you, Larry. What 
beautiful roses. 

Miss Pris. (same business). My favorite flower. 

Miss Pru. If I remember rightly, you smoke. 

Joe. Smoke ! Oh, no— I mean yes—yes—of course. 

Miss Pru. We have brought you some cigars. 

Joe. How nice of you, Aunt Prue. I am just out of cigars. 
Miss Pris. And a new pipe. 

Joe. Really, you are too good. 

Enter Nora from r. with a pair of large gauze wings over 
her shoulder ; crosses in front of the old ladies who are 
still seated; one of the wings hits Miss Pru. Exit, L. 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


*7 


Miss Pris. What kind of a bird was that? 

Miss Pru. ( rising , very indignant). If you will excuse me I 
will get the cigars. [Exit up r. 

Miss Pris. ( rising; confidentially to Joe). I have something 
for you, too. A safety razor. [Exit. 

Joe (sinking into chair). I can see my finish. 

(Madge and Polly run in.) 

Madge. Keep it up, Joe. You are doing beautifully. 

Polly. You are a perfect man. 

Joe ( sarcastically ). Oh, am I ? Do you know what is 
going to happen to me? 

Madge. What ? 

Joe. Aunties have brought me cigars and a pipe—and a 
safety razor. 

Polly {laughing). What a good joke. 

Joe. Joke! ' 

Madge. You are not going to smoke? 

Joe. Isn’t that generally what happens to cigars and a 
pipe? Polly, you might just as well fill my part now. I shall 
be too ill to act to-night. 

Polly. Oh, pretend ! 

Joe. Pretend! Have you seen Aunt Prue’s eagle eye? 
{Rises.) I’m through with this part. 

{Begins to pull off coat and exits l. , followed by the girls 
who are remonstrating with her.) 

Enter Lawrence Denbigh. He should be dressed as much 
like Joe as possible — overcoat , hat and traveling bag. 

Law. I rather think this will surprise the girls. Business 
through earlier than I expected, and here I am in time for the 
theatricals. I wonder where Madge is ? {Looks off l.) Busy, 
I suppose. {Has removed coat and comes down to chair c. ; 
takes pipe and pouch from pocket.) Oh, it is good to be at 
home again. 

{Sings a song while filling pipe. He is just about to light 
it when Miss Pru. and Miss Pris. appear bringing pipe 
and a box of cigars.) 

Miss Pru. I hope he will like them. 

Law. Why, Aunt Prue and Aunt Pris. 

When did you arrive? 


{Greets them.) 


1 8 COATS AND PETTICOATS 

Old Ladies. Who are you ? 

Law. Larry, of course. Don’t you know me? 

( Chucks Aunt Pru. under the chin.) 

Miss Pru. How dare you ! 

Law. ( slapping Miss Pris. on back). Dear Aunt Priscilla. 
Miss Pris. Don’t touch me. 

Law. ( taking pipe and cigars). And you have brought me 
a pipe and cigars ! You are the kind of aunts to have. 

Joe ( entering from l. and seeing Law.). Larry ! 

Old Ladies. Larry! 

Miss Pru. {to Joe). If this is Larry, who are you? 

Law. Yes, who are you? 

Joe (crossing to Law.). Keep still! (To old ladies.) 
This is my chauffeur. 

Law. Chauffeur! 

Miss Pru. Chauffeur ! He chucked me under the chin. 
Miss Pris. And patted me on the back. 

Joe. Wilkins, I am astonished at such familiarity. 

Miss Pru. He must be discharged. 

(Law. very indignant. Tries to explain.) 

Joe. You are discharged, Wilkins. 

Miss Pris. Yes. Discharge him at once. 

Joe. You are discharged again, Wilkins. 

Law. Discharged ! Wilkins ! How about these cigars? 
Joe (taking box of cigars). Cremos ! (Gives them back.) 
They are yours. 

Madge (running on c. and seeing Law.). Lawrence Den¬ 
bigh ! 

Joe (taking hold of her arm). Keep still, Madge ! Wilkins 
has just brought around the machine and aunties must have a 
ride. 

Madge. Just the thing. 

(Takes Law. back a little and tries to explain.) 

Miss Pru. Ride in an automobile ! Never ! 

Miss Pris. Never ! 

Madge. Oh, you will love it. 

Nora (enterifig from l. with arms full of costumes; lets 
them fall when she sees Law.). Mr. Larry! “Wigs on the 
Grane ’’! 




COATS AND PETTICOATS 


19 


Madge. Nora, bring the ladies bonnets and shawls. 

(Nora picks up costumes ami stumbles over them as she 
exits l.) 

Law. Well, I’ll be- 

(Madge stops him.') 

Joe. You need not wait, Wilkins. We will be out in a few 
moments. 

Law. All right, sir. (To Madge.) What in the devil- 

Madge (aside). Sh ! Have a puncture. Keep them out 
all the afternoon. (Pushes him off c. To old ladies.) Now, 
you must have a long automobile ride. 

Miss Pris. But we have been riding all the morning. 
Madge. So much the better. You will have grown accus¬ 
tomed to it. 

/ 

(Nora brings on bonnets , wraps and veils. Joe takes them 
from her and Nora exits, holding up her hands and 
shaking her head. Both old ladies are seated , Miss Pru. 
r., and Miss Pris. l.) 

Miss Pru. (as Joe starts to put on her bonnet , snatching it 
from her). I will put on my own bonnet, thank you. 

Miss Pris. (same business with Madge). So will I. 

(The old ladies take a great deal of time, and Joe and 
Madge are very nervous over the delay.) 

Madge. You will have some fine fresh air. 

Miss Pris. More fresh air ! 

(Business of Joe and Madge tying the automobile veils.) 

Miss Pru. You are strangling me. 

Miss Pris. I am choking. 

(Business of loosening veils. Automobile hor?i outside.) 

Joe. Wilkins is growing impatient. (Both help the old 
ladies to rise.) Hold on when Wilkins goes around corners. 

Miss Pru. Does he go around corners ? That settles it. 
I won’t go. (Tries to sit down.) 

Miss Pris. I never could stand corners. (Horn again.) 
Joe. Off we go. 




20 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


( They hurry old ladies off c. Reb. and Polly run on from 
L., laughing.') 

Reb. “ Wigs on the Green,” Madge. 

Madge. Don’t you say that to me. 

Polly. Now the old ladies have gone, we can have a re¬ 
hearsal of the old maids’ song. 

(Reb. and Madge clear the stage. Polly ru?is up to stage 
C. and calls off : “ Ready, girls.” Eight girls, dressed 
m old-fashioned silk gowns, kerchiefs, mitts, hair dressed 
in side curls, white stockings and black slippers, ribbons 
crossed at ankles, rush on a?ul all begiti talkifig to Polly 
at once.) 

First Girl. I do not like my costume. 

Second Girl. Mine is not becoming. 

Polly. Girls, will you be quiet! Do take your places and 
try the song. 

( Girls, talking and laughing, come down stage and stand in 
line.) 

SONG 

( The music for this song will be found at the end of the book.) 

Altho’ we’re forty, we are quite saucy, 

And \ve laugh at the ills of life. 

Glance like this, so shy,. 

Gowns like this, oh, my ! 

We just love the good things of life. • 

Side-step just like this, another one like that 
From fetters we are free, so we can happy be. 

A knowing glance like that, 

Another one like this, 

We really would not miss, a tiny little kiss. 

(. Dance. At the end dance off L.) 

Enter Joe, from c., looking for something. Nop.a enters 
from l., with large shield; they come together. 

Joe. I have lost my moustache, Nora. 

Nora {pointing to Joe’s pocket). What’s that? 

Joe (i laughing, takes out moustache). Oh, yes, I put it 
there. 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


21 


Nora. Faith ! It’s the bist place for it, I’m thinkin’. 

[Exit L., with shield. 

Madge. I hope the old ladies will have a long ride. I 
wish they could be eighty miles from here. 

Reb. ( running on c.). Madge, Larry had a blow out 
around the corner and the old ladies have come back. 

Madge. Have come back ! What shall we do now ? 

Miss Pru. {outside). Quite long enough, thank you. 

(Madge runs off c.) 

Joe. Heavens ! 

{Rushes to mirror and puts on moustache.) 

Reb. This is a comedy, all right. No need to give Polly’s 
play. 

( Old ladies appear c., very cross , with bonnets and veils all 
awry, followed by Madge.) 

Madge. You did not have a very long ride. 

Miss Pru. No, thank heaven ! He said it was a puncture. 

Madge. When it is repaired you must try again. 

Miss Pru. Again ! Never ! 

Miss Pris. Never ! 

(Madge whispers to Joe, who runs off c. zvith Reb.) 

Madge. I am sure he won’t be very long. I will find 
out. {Runs off c.) 

Miss Pru. Priscilla, there is something wrong about this 
house. 

Miss Pris. I quite agree with you. 

Enter Nora, c. She is completely hidden by spangled gown 
which she is carrying. Crosses to l. 

Nora. I am my father’s ghost - 

Miss Pru. Mercy ! What is it ? (Nora uncovers her face 

and stazuis laughing at them.) Will you kindly tell us what 

is going on in this house? 

Nora. Shure and we be always loike this, ma’am. 

Madge {outside). Yes, I am sure they would like to go 
again. 

Miss Pru. Priscilla, that is another ride for us. 




22 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


Miss Puis, (weeping). I do not want to go again. 

Miss Pru. You shall not. Nora, we wish to hide some¬ 
where. 

(The eight old-maid girls run on from c.) 

Nora {to 07 ie of the girls). Take these ould ladies along 
with the rest of yees. 

Girl. All right. 

{They take the old ladies and dance off with them L., the 
old ladies holding up their hands and remonstrating. 
Nora follows laughing.) 

Enter Law., c., followed by Joe and Madge. 

Law. Now, perhaps you will be good enough to tell 
me- 

Madge ( looking about). Sh ! 

Law. You have done nothing but “sh ! ” ever since I came 
into the house. I have had enough of it. 

Madge {looking about). Aunties must have gone to their 
room. (Joe and Madge each side of Law., coaxitigly.) You 
see, Larry- 

Law. {thrusting them aside). No, I don’t see anything. 

Joe. Wait, and let me tell you. I am to take a man’s part 
in the play to-night and am dressed for it. 

Law. Any fool can see that. What I want to know is- 

Madge. Joe received a letter from Aunt Prue saying that 
they were to arrive this afternoon. 

Joe {eagerly). And of course it would never do to have 
them know that I was to appear on the stage this way- 

Law. You take off my coat, my waistcoat and my- 

Joe. Oh, Larry ! 

Madge. And as you were away we thought the best way 
out of it was to pretend that Joe was you. 

Law. Pretend to be me! {Both nod assent.) What ! 
You made me out such a faint specimen of a man ! 

Joe {pouting). Not so bad, Larry. 

Law. Couldn’t be worse. 

Madge. Then you came home and spoiled it all. 

Law. Oh, I did ! Then I will go away again. 

{Starts for door c. ; the girls ru?i after him and full him 
back , and push him into chair down L.) 







COATS AND PETTICOATS 


23 


Madge. You must help us out. 

Joe. Only wish you had been further away from home when 
you had that blow out. 

Law. Perhaps you think that I keep punctures on tap to be 
served on the road at any desirable spot. That’s about as 
reasonable as you women are. 

(Tries to get up and the girls push him back.') 

Madge. Now, Larry, don’t be disagreeable. 

Joe. You ought to be glad that you are here to help us out 
of this scrape. 

Law. Oh, I am ! Ha, ha,—tickled to death. 

Madge. You must take them to ride again. 

Law. Not on your life. 

(Starts to rise ; business repeated.) 

Joe. Keep them going until after the rehearsal. 

Madge. And then take them home. 

Law. (rising). Oh, I can, can 1? (Decidedly.) Well, I 
don’t see myself doing it. [Exit r., followed by the girls. 
Reb. (outside). Make way for the suffragettes. 

(Eight girls dressed like Reb., and carrying yellow pen¬ 
nants zvith various znottoes march on; after a varied 
march form a line down stage , separate and Reb. enters 
and takes c.) 

SONG OF THE SUFFRAGETTES 

(The music for this song wilt be found at the end of the book .) 

We are the suffragettes 

Know us by our badge of yellow. 

We do not stew and fret, 

Each one a jolly fellow. 

No more to sew, to brew, to bake. 

In other ways we’ll take the cake. 

We’ll be the presidents of our land 
And show the men we have some sand. 

(Topical verse recited by Reb. : “ We are the Suffragettes ,” 
etc. All march off.) 

Enter Joe, followed by Madge. 


24 


COATS AND PETTICOATS 


Joe. We are in luck to have had that rehearsal. I wonder 
where our dear aunties are. 

Miss Pru. {outside). I won’t stay in this room another 
moment. 

Madge ( indicating room off l.). Aunties in there ! (Miss 
Pru. enters, followed by Miss Pris.) How did you get into 
that room, Aunt Prue ? 

Miss Pru. We walked in. Is this a home for old ladies ? 

Miss Pris. That room is full of them. 

Madge. Let me explain. We are rehearsing for private 

theatricals. Josephine is to be a man- 

Miss Pru. What! 

Joe. In the play. 

Miss Pru. Josephine Denbigh, take off those clothes at 
once! 

Miss Pris. Yes, at once. 

Miss Pru. We shall never get over such disgrace. 

Miss Pris. (bursting into tears). Never ! 

Miss Pru. (with severity). Control yourself, Priscilla. 

Miss Pris. I will try to, sister. 

Miss Pru. What is the meaning of this unseemly conduct ? 

Enter Law. and Reb., from R. 

Joe. You see, auntie - 

(Takes Miss Pru.’s arm coaxingly , but she draws away. 

Madge a?id Joe look appealingly at Law.) 

Law. (coming down). I will tell you all about it. 

(Steps betwee?i the old ladies.) 

Miss Pru. You ! The chauffeur ! 

Miss Pris. The chauffeur ! 

' Law. Oh, that was only a joke. I am the real Larry. 

Miss Pru. (indicating Joe). Well, you ought to be glad 
that you are not that specimen. 

Law. Our girls give a play each year for some worthy 
charity, and Joe made such a good-looking man (Madge and 
Joe either side of old ladies), she had to be in it, and we thought 
you would not object, as it was for charity. 

Miss Pru. A worthy charity ? 

Law. Oh, yes. 




COATS AND PETTICOATS 25 

Miss Pru. Well, if it is for charity—what do you say, 
. Priscilla? 

Miss Pris. Just as you say, sister. 

Law. Oh, come, Aunt Prue, say yes. 

Joe^ GE " } ^ ease ’ Aunt Prue. 

Miss Pru. ( hesitating , Miss Pris. watching her; finally 
smiling very sweetly ). Yes, for charity. 

(Old maids and suffragettes run in; all sing. See music 
at e?idl) 

We work for charity, charity, 

We work for charity. 

* Hope you’ll like what you’ve come to see 

When we give you this short comedy. 

We work for charity, charity, 

We work for charity, 

Sing of joy, sing of bliss, 

We love work like this— 

Charity, charity. 


CURTAIN 


INCIDENTAL MUSIC 


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“COATS AND PETTICOATS” 

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After Recitation, which should be a topical verse, repeat Song, immediately 
followed by March. 


7 







































































































































































































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